It has been awhile since I last wrote much of anything on this blog. And at this point I do not know if anyone still reads it. But I sort of feel that though my words may go unread, writing it feels right and good and mostly, soothing. I have spent the last two and a half years talking non-stop. Anyone can attest to it. Go ahead, ask, I dare you. Anyone. Even the girl at the shoe store knows my story. She gave me a hug. On an positive note, I was there shopping for shoes for a date that night!
My story is not unique. In fact, my journey is not unique.It can be just as ordinary as green grass and blue skies. But finding my way, has in itself been completely and utterly unique to me. After all, I had never been down that road, and now here I am standing at a crossroads, similar to Robert Frost's The Road Not Taken, and I must decide with path will lead me where I want, no, need, to go.
I had been profoundly hurt you see. That sickening pain inside the heart and all you want is to free yourself from its chains. It was like grief. Like someone I loved too much had suddenly died. Cut off. Just like that. My words became meaningless sounds, it no longer mattered what I said, no begged for. My heart beat like a slow dying drum. My eyes would not stop shedding those horrid tears, even when my mind told them not to.
I was a wife. And my husband no longer wanted me. Anyone, who has stood in my shoes, knows EXACTLY what I am describing. Yet, I felt like I was alone. and no-one could understand my pain. None of my friends could relate. My brothers are all still happily married, save one. I just was out on an island. Alone, cold, tired, and scared. I wanted saving. I was desperate for it. but I knew, I had to save myself. So that is exactly what I did. I build myself a boat out of palms and I left that island behind. And I NEVER looked back.
I choose my path. A path many have taken before. The hardest one I had ever taken. I abandoned all that i knew and loved, my home, my security, my world. I had to. I needed to.
I choose the path that lead my to San Diego. Into the arms of my family and friends. I slept on a dining room floor. I had very little money in the bank. I dropped off what I little I could fill my car with at my brother's house. and I uncurled from the fetal position I had spent so long in.
I was going to make it. on my own. I was going to stand on my own and be proud of who I am. Yes, I had no home, yes I had no job, and yes, I had no money. But I didn't care. I had my friends. and I had determination. I was afraid all the time. I cried more than I wanted to. I talked to anyone who would listen. I felt insecure. But, I wanted to succeed. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself.
I would and could have something more. Something better. I just needed time and patience and a strong will.
And then, it happened. It all became.....ok. I no longer cried. I no longer felt angry. I felt.....good. I felt happy. But mostly, I felt like myself again.
I had been changed. I am not the girl that was once married. I was now a woman. Divorced, but a woman nonetheless.
Then something even more unexpected happened. Like Bilbo finding the Ring of Power....I found love. Honest, true, and no strings attached kind of love. It was perfect.
And now, two and half years after I found out that my Ex wanted another girl, I no longer care. In fact, I am glad it happened. You read that right. GLAD. You see, I had been with someone who wasn't a good fit for me. He wasn't the man I needed and I just didn't know any better. But now I do.
And now, Life is good to me. and I am happy.
I had been profoundly hurt you see. That sickening pain inside the heart and all you want is to free yourself from its chains. It was like grief. Like someone I loved too much had suddenly died. Cut off. Just like that. My words became meaningless sounds, it no longer mattered what I said, no begged for. My heart beat like a slow dying drum. My eyes would not stop shedding those horrid tears, even when my mind told them not to.
I was a wife. And my husband no longer wanted me. Anyone, who has stood in my shoes, knows EXACTLY what I am describing. Yet, I felt like I was alone. and no-one could understand my pain. None of my friends could relate. My brothers are all still happily married, save one. I just was out on an island. Alone, cold, tired, and scared. I wanted saving. I was desperate for it. but I knew, I had to save myself. So that is exactly what I did. I build myself a boat out of palms and I left that island behind. And I NEVER looked back.
I choose my path. A path many have taken before. The hardest one I had ever taken. I abandoned all that i knew and loved, my home, my security, my world. I had to. I needed to.
I choose the path that lead my to San Diego. Into the arms of my family and friends. I slept on a dining room floor. I had very little money in the bank. I dropped off what I little I could fill my car with at my brother's house. and I uncurled from the fetal position I had spent so long in.
I was going to make it. on my own. I was going to stand on my own and be proud of who I am. Yes, I had no home, yes I had no job, and yes, I had no money. But I didn't care. I had my friends. and I had determination. I was afraid all the time. I cried more than I wanted to. I talked to anyone who would listen. I felt insecure. But, I wanted to succeed. I didn't want to feel sorry for myself.
I would and could have something more. Something better. I just needed time and patience and a strong will.
And then, it happened. It all became.....ok. I no longer cried. I no longer felt angry. I felt.....good. I felt happy. But mostly, I felt like myself again.
I had been changed. I am not the girl that was once married. I was now a woman. Divorced, but a woman nonetheless.
Then something even more unexpected happened. Like Bilbo finding the Ring of Power....I found love. Honest, true, and no strings attached kind of love. It was perfect.
And now, two and half years after I found out that my Ex wanted another girl, I no longer care. In fact, I am glad it happened. You read that right. GLAD. You see, I had been with someone who wasn't a good fit for me. He wasn't the man I needed and I just didn't know any better. But now I do.
And now, Life is good to me. and I am happy.
