If you are planning a vacation or business travel then here are a few rules to fly by.
1. Arrive to the airport on time. What is sooo difficult about leaving your house at 3pm for your 530 pm flight. I don't care about your kids, or traffic, or broken down hunk of junk you call "reliable". What suddenly your kids did something inhuman that you have never seen before that kept you from leaving? Or was it that crazy traffic that just sprang out of nowhere causing a complete universal reverse of the time continuum and therefore made you late?
2. If you are late, due to some unforeseen event such as death or the second coming of Christ, don't start screaming at the gate agents for letting the flight leave without you. I am sure if a census was taken of all the other passengers on the plane they would agree to delay the place causing everyone to miss their connections just so YOU can make the flight. However, had you left on time........
3. For God sake, if you haven't eaten and consider you may feel hunger pains during the takeoff roll then eat before getting on the plane. Or if you must bring food, make it as odor pleasing as possible. No-one wants to smell your rank McDonald's Value meal for 5 hours. Or the horrid pleasantness of your breath afterwards.
4. Attention all parents with children.
--Do NOT change your child's diaper next to me. or near me, or at all in fact unless a stench has formed. In that case remove yourself and the stink vessel and go into the bathroom. that's what they are for. Not the tray table. Do you see a picture of a baby on it? No.
--If you know your baby is whiny then drug it so it sleeps for the duration of the flight. No one cares what is wrong with it and no one wants to hear the brat crying the whole time or listen to your incessant "shhh shhh" which is almost as bad. Just shut up and drug the thing.
--Under no circumstances are children EVER allowed to touch me. Just because I am female does not automatically mean I care remotely about your human snot rag.
--Lap child means exactly that, your child STAYS in YOUR lap. That does not mean the little monster can run around up and down the aisle during taxiing so the flight attendant has to unbuckle himself and return your child to you with disdain. What you think the little bugger can just hang on to a random armrest during takeoff? Someone call CPS please.
5. If you are a passenger with an aisle or window seat, have a little courtesy and don't take up BOTH armrests. It's bad enough to have to sit in the middle seat, give the person a break and let them have the 2 armrests. One is enough for you, especially since you can lean away from the person your next to. The middle passenger cannot, what you want them to lean forward with their arms folded across the chest, and legs planted firmly together never to move the entire time? Selfish flyer.
6. For God's sake, eat a freakin breath mint and take a damn shower!
7. If you know you are "big" then buy the extra ticket. Its better for everyone, otherwise don't fly. take a train.
8. Cover the cleavage ladies. I don't want my bored eyes staring down your shirt every 2 minutes. Have some decency.
9. Keep your stink ass feet inside your shoes. Don't remove them. Its bad enough we have to smell dirty baby and greasy burger. Don't add logs to the fire with your rare and vile foot diseased stench.
10. Alcoholics, a drink is fine. 5 drinks are NOT. Why does this even have to be explained. Sign the form, 12 steps get you from mom's in Phoenix to Billy's (your best college buddy) in Chicago in only one try.
11. Entrepreneurs: If I have my earphones in, eyes closed, and head leaned against the window do NOT tap my arm just so you can show me a 2 minute slide presentation on how you made 5 billion dollars last week selling wigs to bald dogs. I DON'T CARE!!! And you're never going to convince me with your spray on tan and capped pearly whites you fake arrogant bastard! Just let me sleep, its bad enough I'm stuck sitting next to you.
12. Basically, just don't talk, touch, look, smell, or think in my direction and we will get along fine.
Hope these rules help your next trip to be a better one.
Fly the Flag people, Fly the Flag.
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